Eh, eh, eh - Nothing else to say

I'm tired, I've been tired all week. I dunno why, maybe it's just some kind of burn out or sumthin like that, I don't care really, tonight I've to do something funny and brilliant. I dunno what... but yeah. Everything in time..

He looked me today. It was strange and I felt like my heart pops out of my chest. Yeah, I hate having crush on somebody usually. Nowadays too, but - no can do. It's not like I would like to be in relationship, it's just - I want to know him better.

 

And I hate it when I can't think with my brains and stuff, my feelings are taking control all over again.

I was btw thinking, which one is more gross - Johanna Tukiainen or Divine? Johanna Tukiainen, absolutely.

I maybe should make some calls to my friends, so I would know what we're gonna do tonight.

Does it really matter?

Gay, lesbian, bi, bi-curious, asexual, straight - what ever you are. Does it matter?

I've thought this so many times. Other people should too. If you iss a girl, it won't make you lesbian, it won't make u any less straight. If boy hugs a boy, it wont make him more gay or less straight. Sexuality it's not so black and white!

Look - well if u're straight you don't try to actract every which one on street who is opposite sex, why would gays or lesbians do that? Maybe u don't actract them. I hate it so much, when I hear people saying "Ohh, I heard he/she is homo - he/she is so gonna try me!" No they won't. They are people, just like you. So, c'mon.

I think people who are fall in love are so cute, straightners, lesbians, gays - almost every couple who loves each others.

I hope someday people will get over it, that people likes different people. Somebody thinks womans body is the most ugliest thing in the world, somebody never could even touch a man.

I don't really know am I straight or bi, but no hurry. Time will show.

Btw, I never did anything to my no-cigarets problem. But now I have one cig. I wait couple hours, then I smoke it with all enjoy I can have.

Tired steps

Okay, boring day again. Ahah, joking. But seriously, not much to do. I don't have even one half cigarette, it's the most big problem right now. I thought if I go for my neighbours.. but.. I'm not gonna show that I'm that hooked on.
School was today ok.

I looked terrible in school, I hope nobody didn't notice my flat hair, tired make upless eyes and old hoodie.
In morning I hate myself 'cause I was awake after 00:00. Yeah.

 

Yeah, I feel excatly like that, when I get home I promise to myself I go to sleep, but when I'm at home I'm not sleepy anymore.

School, hmmm. Three years left. Then I'm free to do whatever I want, and that's the part I'm waiting for. It makes me more happier to live alone and do things how I want, it's more easier to me and works for me. But it's not any dream, not at all if you thought it! I've lived four days without any money or "real" food. Today I ate in school. But still, I dont have anymore anything else than some noodles and tea. And trust me, noodles lose their taste when u've ate them couple months. But I won't complain, this is what I choosed and I'm happier here, even if my good friends are in other city, but I see them time after time. I don't forget them or stop lovin' them.

 

I should clean up, bad sides of livin' alone. But I think I go and try to do sumthin with this no-cigaret thing. 

Music and happiness

Why breathing hurts this much? Ouch.

Anssi Kela, I listened him like four years ago. It's weird. So much memories. Too much. When I listen to "Milla", I remember how I was awake whole night talking to people in MSN and drawing pictures, the morning sun was rising and I tried to sleep but I couldn't 'cause it wasn't dak enough.
"Mikan faijan BMV", sunset in fields, that's what comes to my mind. I remember how I just walked around, listening to music same time. Feel's like it's been forever from that.
"Puistossa" ha, I think of my class. I remember when one boy from our class was singin' this during some lessons. Dark fall nights, that's what I'm thinking atm.
"Rakkaus on murhaa" I feel a bit sad when I'm listening to this. But this song is something really beautyful.

Music, have u ever thought how much it keep memories? Everytime when I listen to Marilyn Manson, I remember when I was on his gig. When I listen to Sugababes, I remember when I was on 5th grade and I loved them. The Cure, when I was on 7th and thought my life was in correct situation. Mando Diao, I remember the most important things to me, but still - I listen to them and making new memories. Like always. I love music. It keeps so many things in my mind, so many friends, so many situations, so many happy moments. Music.

Today I didn't go to school, 'cause I'm sick. I'm freezing under hundreds of blankets. And I can't swallow, or yes I can, but it hurts.

Hmh, I should maybe clean up. I still have those cider bottles on my desks. Soon I go and do something to my thrashes.

But people, think of music, what it brings in your mind? Why? One good reason to love music.

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Girl, you go for your dreams

Too many bottles of cider on my desks. They're not all mine, not at all, I should maybe do something to them.

My friend left today, she is too important to me - not in "BFF for ever"-way, in way I can't really explain. I know that she have right perception about me. And I know, she don't fake just for me it. She knows who I'm, more than just girl who go to school, come back and like to see her friends and smoke cigarettes.
It's pretty complicated, I've always known some things about me - but all others are unsure. I've maybe too big dreams, but I never really have'nt care about it, 'cause I will make them true. Does'nt matter what it takes, I've it all by myself. Somebodys think I'm selfish, even my own family have told me that too many times - but I'm not the right person judge them, 'cause what they're saying is true as can be. I've lived 16 years and half, about 14 years I've thought only me and my future. Me and myself - that's the way people should think, but to somebodys it's not that smooth. I know person, who can just empty her mind of herself, all of herself and think other people.

"I know you, you always think about urself - and if you want something - you do it as long as it's yours."
"You're the only person who whould even do that, you're smart and you don't care what others say."
"That's so you; u sit in the train, and if we would look hour back. That was'nt your plan, not al all."

Yeah, that's me pretty much.

Weekend, I've waited since I moved here. This week, and then it's friday. I see person who have really made my life difficult, easy and lifeful. He is the one, who used to kiss goodnight and stroke me until I fell asleep. And one thing I know for sure, he loves me as much u can love a friend.