Back to old

Hoah, time after time - I think am I doing a right thing. Moving to another city, wtf? I've missed my home a lot. Or, place I used to live with my mom. It's home tho.

But, in other hand - why not? If I would live at home still - I would regret about not moving away from home. It's complicated but you know.

Tomorrow I go there and watch my friends, yeah. It will be great! And, yes. I will love 'em all. I hope I'm safe from any drama scenes, haha. And I hope me and my mother can watch some film - eat pizza made by her.

Eh, eh, eh - Nothing else to say

I'm tired, I've been tired all week. I dunno why, maybe it's just some kind of burn out or sumthin like that, I don't care really, tonight I've to do something funny and brilliant. I dunno what... but yeah. Everything in time..

He looked me today. It was strange and I felt like my heart pops out of my chest. Yeah, I hate having crush on somebody usually. Nowadays too, but - no can do. It's not like I would like to be in relationship, it's just - I want to know him better.

 

And I hate it when I can't think with my brains and stuff, my feelings are taking control all over again.

I was btw thinking, which one is more gross - Johanna Tukiainen or Divine? Johanna Tukiainen, absolutely.

I maybe should make some calls to my friends, so I would know what we're gonna do tonight.

Someday I will say goodbye for a long time

Foreign countries, haa, where would I go if I had a chance? To be honest, everywhere. Doesn't really matter. I want to see it all.

I would love to see it all. It means a lot to me.

School and days

School, school I love to go. I'll try to do my everything just to stay here and read me throught so I can keep on livin' my life. This is just one station here, even if I somedays hate to go there or be there and I just want to pack my bags and go somewhere. I'll stay here three years. So, dear who-ever-you-are give me some power to stay here and study.

Tired steps

Okay, boring day again. Ahah, joking. But seriously, not much to do. I don't have even one half cigarette, it's the most big problem right now. I thought if I go for my neighbours.. but.. I'm not gonna show that I'm that hooked on.
School was today ok.

I looked terrible in school, I hope nobody didn't notice my flat hair, tired make upless eyes and old hoodie.
In morning I hate myself 'cause I was awake after 00:00. Yeah.

 

Yeah, I feel excatly like that, when I get home I promise to myself I go to sleep, but when I'm at home I'm not sleepy anymore.

School, hmmm. Three years left. Then I'm free to do whatever I want, and that's the part I'm waiting for. It makes me more happier to live alone and do things how I want, it's more easier to me and works for me. But it's not any dream, not at all if you thought it! I've lived four days without any money or "real" food. Today I ate in school. But still, I dont have anymore anything else than some noodles and tea. And trust me, noodles lose their taste when u've ate them couple months. But I won't complain, this is what I choosed and I'm happier here, even if my good friends are in other city, but I see them time after time. I don't forget them or stop lovin' them.

 

I should clean up, bad sides of livin' alone. But I think I go and try to do sumthin with this no-cigaret thing. 

Person who is dreaming

Who am I excatly? Who is this person who writes here?

Not much to tell ya, but I'm not yet eighteen but I'm over ten years old. I've been in bad relationships and I don't know everything about my family. My mom is still the most important person in my life, I have friends who live in other city. I live alone and I like to dance, listen to music and seeing something new. I never haven't been in California or Spain, but my roots are from there. And one of my dreams are to travel there, California dreamin', should I say?

What is my favourite music? Mando Diao, Sex Pistols, Misfits and when I'm partying I love listening Daft Punk and good rock. Music is the thing, which makes me happy, lustful, sad.. everything. I can feel it in my bones, when I really listen to good music, I feel like being drugs. Yeah.

I've good self-esteem, I love pizza, sushi and food. Wearing black is my things, being me - is my thing.

That's pretty much me, honestly.

"Secret combination"

Sick. As can girl be, like my one friend said - always when I'm sick, I do it with combination. Last time I was, I had fever, my both eyes were inflamed and bronchitis. Now, I've angina - so I can't swallow well. My right ear have otitis. And fever.. Yeah it's in days something like 38, at nights.. over 39 celsius. I hate this. I can't go to school, I can't sleep, I can't eat. This sucks ass.

Music and happiness

Why breathing hurts this much? Ouch.

Anssi Kela, I listened him like four years ago. It's weird. So much memories. Too much. When I listen to "Milla", I remember how I was awake whole night talking to people in MSN and drawing pictures, the morning sun was rising and I tried to sleep but I couldn't 'cause it wasn't dak enough.
"Mikan faijan BMV", sunset in fields, that's what comes to my mind. I remember how I just walked around, listening to music same time. Feel's like it's been forever from that.
"Puistossa" ha, I think of my class. I remember when one boy from our class was singin' this during some lessons. Dark fall nights, that's what I'm thinking atm.
"Rakkaus on murhaa" I feel a bit sad when I'm listening to this. But this song is something really beautyful.

Music, have u ever thought how much it keep memories? Everytime when I listen to Marilyn Manson, I remember when I was on his gig. When I listen to Sugababes, I remember when I was on 5th grade and I loved them. The Cure, when I was on 7th and thought my life was in correct situation. Mando Diao, I remember the most important things to me, but still - I listen to them and making new memories. Like always. I love music. It keeps so many things in my mind, so many friends, so many situations, so many happy moments. Music.

Today I didn't go to school, 'cause I'm sick. I'm freezing under hundreds of blankets. And I can't swallow, or yes I can, but it hurts.

Hmh, I should maybe clean up. I still have those cider bottles on my desks. Soon I go and do something to my thrashes.

But people, think of music, what it brings in your mind? Why? One good reason to love music.

Seuraa blogiani Bloglovinin avulla

I know how to make my day

I don't feel good, my eyes are hurting, head is aching and my throat hurts when I breath.
But still, I feel awesome, I love my window - I see everything from it, cars, peoples, couples, who is smoking, who is going to shop, whos coming from shop. Sometimes, when I hate myself and everything, I just take one cigarette and go to watch world going by. It really calms me down.

Have u ever noticed so little things in the world? Everyone is too busy all the time, today was raining, streets are all shiny, dark and I can see the reflection of streetlamps. Rain in the city is beautiful thing to watch anyways. I hope someday I watch it somewhere else, far away from here.

 

Have u ever thought different languages? Or stereotypies? I've, I think pretty much them - 'cause I like them. Different languages, peoples, countries.

France sounds romantic, peaceful. It's hard to think french people curse or yelling each others. 

Germany sounds a bit flirty, or sometimes angry. To me.

British england sounds innocent and maybe a bit shy - it's cute.

Etc, have u ever thought?

I'm sick and tired, like Anastasia says. I should probably get some sleep, tomorrow I still try to go school and make myself proud.

 

Aa'ah, aa'ah

Aa'ah aaa'ah

It's excatly how I feel now,

I know there's no way to go down.

Aa'ah, aa'ah

I know how to make my day,

Everyone knows what I gave.

Aa'ah, aa'ah

Life gives me my entertain,

and I know how to play this game.

nimetön, SH_BTBT - minä

Girl, you go for your dreams

Too many bottles of cider on my desks. They're not all mine, not at all, I should maybe do something to them.

My friend left today, she is too important to me - not in "BFF for ever"-way, in way I can't really explain. I know that she have right perception about me. And I know, she don't fake just for me it. She knows who I'm, more than just girl who go to school, come back and like to see her friends and smoke cigarettes.
It's pretty complicated, I've always known some things about me - but all others are unsure. I've maybe too big dreams, but I never really have'nt care about it, 'cause I will make them true. Does'nt matter what it takes, I've it all by myself. Somebodys think I'm selfish, even my own family have told me that too many times - but I'm not the right person judge them, 'cause what they're saying is true as can be. I've lived 16 years and half, about 14 years I've thought only me and my future. Me and myself - that's the way people should think, but to somebodys it's not that smooth. I know person, who can just empty her mind of herself, all of herself and think other people.

"I know you, you always think about urself - and if you want something - you do it as long as it's yours."
"You're the only person who whould even do that, you're smart and you don't care what others say."
"That's so you; u sit in the train, and if we would look hour back. That was'nt your plan, not al all."

Yeah, that's me pretty much.

Weekend, I've waited since I moved here. This week, and then it's friday. I see person who have really made my life difficult, easy and lifeful. He is the one, who used to kiss goodnight and stroke me until I fell asleep. And one thing I know for sure, he loves me as much u can love a friend.

If u're not sure, let it be

I don't feel really good tonight, yesterday night was awesome. Night before that night, I just don't wanna think about it. Now my friend is here with me, I think she is sleeping - even if she said that she won't sleep.

I think, I won't do some things in my life for a long time, just 'cause I've had them enough at the moment. I know, I know, life must go on. I'm never sad to be honest, I just always start thinking something else. This is the first time for a long time I really hope that feeling just could go away. Strange.

Well, the most important person in my life says "Don't take anything to your shoulders, if you're not sure you did it." I know. I'm not sure still, but I know that you're there for me - mother.
She is the most important person in my whole life, she help me always when I need it, always. And there is no a thing, saying - anything, she could'nt forgive me.

So - 1, 2 ,3
Let it be, your words sounds like shit, you see?
4, 5, 6
There is nothing to fix, only feelings you could mix.
Well - 7, 8, 9
Don't pretend you're fine, I see how you're slowly dieing

New Steps, SH_BTBT

No stand, no move

 

Ulkona on pilvistä. Ikkunasta tulee kokoajan kylmää ilmaa sisään, en jaksa pistää sitä kiini. Toivon, että kämpän ominaishaju mikä täällä oli, haihtuisi pois ja tilalle tulisi mielummin vaikkapa tupakan tai tomaattikeiton haju. Mikä vain on parempi kuin se - miltä mummolassa tuoksuu.

Tiskasin äsken, huomenna äiti ja pappa tulee käymään täällä, jännittää vähäsen. En ole nähnyt heitä noinkaan kuukauteen, pappaa varsinkaan. Pappa ei tykkää jos on sotkuista, siksi siivoan täällä. Tiskit ovat vielä hieman kesken, mutta olen kyllästynyt kahnuttamaan kuivaineita juuston palasia lautasista.

Mutta toisaala, yksineläminen sattuu minulle. Saan tulla ja mennä miten haluan.

Saan ehkä huomenna uuden vaatteen, ehkä muutaman. En tiedä yhtään mitä haluan, pitkän topin ja legginsit, musta huppari joita minulla on jo tuhat? Vai kenties jotain värikästä. En ole ikinä osannut pukeutua väreihin oikeastaan, kun minulla on päälläni raitaa ja väriä tunnen itseni ihan pelleksi. Ennen osasin pukeutua väreihin, pinkkiin, turkoosiin, mintunvihreään. Nyt ainoa vaate kaapissani jota kehtaisin talvella käyttää väriksi on turkoosi, lämmin villatakki jonka sain Tanjalta viime talvena.

Värit näyttävät paremmalta silmissäni kuin päälläni.

Minulla on puolikas patonki kaapissani, saisimpa sen nautinnon täydennettyä hyvällä elokuvassa, suihkun raikkaudella, Pepsi Maxilla ja yhdellä syöpälääryleellä.

Kaupan kautta suihkuun, elokuva pyörimään ja sen jälkeen unta palloon.

Why everything is too complicated, 

The World is moving way too fast,

Feels like wind just blowed away,

Everything I had last.

I can't move, I can't stand,

I'm just hitnking breath which is my last.

I hope this season goes away,

I can't take this day after day.

"No stand, no move" - SH_BTBT, minä

Kirjoitin nämä pari säkeistöä silloin kun ahdisti.

From New York city to the San Fransisco Bay

Ulkona on aurinkoista eikä minulla ole rahaa enempää kuin 34 senttiä tilillä. Surullista, kaapissa on vain muroja, muroja, nuudeleita, puuroa, savujuustoa ja ehkä hitusen verran kaakaota ja maitoa. Tänään aijon syödä tomaattikeittoa, eilen söin pizzaa - liikaa pizzaa. Tupakoinnin lopettaminen näkyy ainankin syömisessäni. Syön kuin sika, oksetan itseäni. En tule kylläiseksi sitten millään. Minulla on enään yksi syöpäkääryle tuossa ikkunallani. Himoitsen sitä kokoajan, mutta kello tulee vasta puoli seitsemän. Voin kyllä kestää vielä pari tuntia ilman sitä.

Musiikki on ihanaa, nyt kuuntelen Mando Diaota. Se on yksi sadasta lempibändistäni, Mandot ovat ehkä kumminkin se tärkein.

Nyt tomaattikeittoa. Sen jälkeen koulujuttuja, sen jälkeen ehkä kävely sateen raikastamassa kaupungissa.

The World is moving way too fast

On mielestäni surullista, että jouduin lopettamaan edellisen blogini jota olin yli vuoden pitänyt jonkun sairaan stalkkerin takia, ja meinaan oikeasti - en ikinä saanut tietää kuka hän on, mutta myös perhettäni olti ahdisteltu moisen takia. Nyt en aijo kertoa nimeni, ehkä enintään missä asun ja miltä näytän.

Keskitän tämän blogin ajatuksiini, lyriikkoihini joita olen pitkin elämääni kirjoittanut, elokuviin mistä pidän, musiikkiin mikä saa minut aina piristymään, asioihin jotka suututtavat minua.