Back to old

Hoah, time after time - I think am I doing a right thing. Moving to another city, wtf? I've missed my home a lot. Or, place I used to live with my mom. It's home tho.

But, in other hand - why not? If I would live at home still - I would regret about not moving away from home. It's complicated but you know.

Tomorrow I go there and watch my friends, yeah. It will be great! And, yes. I will love 'em all. I hope I'm safe from any drama scenes, haha. And I hope me and my mother can watch some film - eat pizza made by her.

Eh, eh, eh - Nothing else to say

I'm tired, I've been tired all week. I dunno why, maybe it's just some kind of burn out or sumthin like that, I don't care really, tonight I've to do something funny and brilliant. I dunno what... but yeah. Everything in time..

He looked me today. It was strange and I felt like my heart pops out of my chest. Yeah, I hate having crush on somebody usually. Nowadays too, but - no can do. It's not like I would like to be in relationship, it's just - I want to know him better.

 

And I hate it when I can't think with my brains and stuff, my feelings are taking control all over again.

I was btw thinking, which one is more gross - Johanna Tukiainen or Divine? Johanna Tukiainen, absolutely.

I maybe should make some calls to my friends, so I would know what we're gonna do tonight.

Someday I will say goodbye for a long time

Foreign countries, haa, where would I go if I had a chance? To be honest, everywhere. Doesn't really matter. I want to see it all.

I would love to see it all. It means a lot to me.

School and days

School, school I love to go. I'll try to do my everything just to stay here and read me throught so I can keep on livin' my life. This is just one station here, even if I somedays hate to go there or be there and I just want to pack my bags and go somewhere. I'll stay here three years. So, dear who-ever-you-are give me some power to stay here and study.

Does it really matter?

Gay, lesbian, bi, bi-curious, asexual, straight - what ever you are. Does it matter?

I've thought this so many times. Other people should too. If you iss a girl, it won't make you lesbian, it won't make u any less straight. If boy hugs a boy, it wont make him more gay or less straight. Sexuality it's not so black and white!

Look - well if u're straight you don't try to actract every which one on street who is opposite sex, why would gays or lesbians do that? Maybe u don't actract them. I hate it so much, when I hear people saying "Ohh, I heard he/she is homo - he/she is so gonna try me!" No they won't. They are people, just like you. So, c'mon.

I think people who are fall in love are so cute, straightners, lesbians, gays - almost every couple who loves each others.

I hope someday people will get over it, that people likes different people. Somebody thinks womans body is the most ugliest thing in the world, somebody never could even touch a man.

I don't really know am I straight or bi, but no hurry. Time will show.

Btw, I never did anything to my no-cigarets problem. But now I have one cig. I wait couple hours, then I smoke it with all enjoy I can have.

Tired steps

Okay, boring day again. Ahah, joking. But seriously, not much to do. I don't have even one half cigarette, it's the most big problem right now. I thought if I go for my neighbours.. but.. I'm not gonna show that I'm that hooked on.
School was today ok.

I looked terrible in school, I hope nobody didn't notice my flat hair, tired make upless eyes and old hoodie.
In morning I hate myself 'cause I was awake after 00:00. Yeah.

 

Yeah, I feel excatly like that, when I get home I promise to myself I go to sleep, but when I'm at home I'm not sleepy anymore.

School, hmmm. Three years left. Then I'm free to do whatever I want, and that's the part I'm waiting for. It makes me more happier to live alone and do things how I want, it's more easier to me and works for me. But it's not any dream, not at all if you thought it! I've lived four days without any money or "real" food. Today I ate in school. But still, I dont have anymore anything else than some noodles and tea. And trust me, noodles lose their taste when u've ate them couple months. But I won't complain, this is what I choosed and I'm happier here, even if my good friends are in other city, but I see them time after time. I don't forget them or stop lovin' them.

 

I should clean up, bad sides of livin' alone. But I think I go and try to do sumthin with this no-cigaret thing. 

Person who is dreaming

Who am I excatly? Who is this person who writes here?

Not much to tell ya, but I'm not yet eighteen but I'm over ten years old. I've been in bad relationships and I don't know everything about my family. My mom is still the most important person in my life, I have friends who live in other city. I live alone and I like to dance, listen to music and seeing something new. I never haven't been in California or Spain, but my roots are from there. And one of my dreams are to travel there, California dreamin', should I say?

What is my favourite music? Mando Diao, Sex Pistols, Misfits and when I'm partying I love listening Daft Punk and good rock. Music is the thing, which makes me happy, lustful, sad.. everything. I can feel it in my bones, when I really listen to good music, I feel like being drugs. Yeah.

I've good self-esteem, I love pizza, sushi and food. Wearing black is my things, being me - is my thing.

That's pretty much me, honestly.

"Secret combination"

Sick. As can girl be, like my one friend said - always when I'm sick, I do it with combination. Last time I was, I had fever, my both eyes were inflamed and bronchitis. Now, I've angina - so I can't swallow well. My right ear have otitis. And fever.. Yeah it's in days something like 38, at nights.. over 39 celsius. I hate this. I can't go to school, I can't sleep, I can't eat. This sucks ass.

You've gotta think..

Who is beautiful, who is not.. And who is the right person to tell who is and who not? Subject you never will find one right answer.

Somebody thinks that woman with long blond hair and big hazel eyes is beautiful. And of course big lips. I know many girls like that who is pretty.
Somebodys ideal is brown haired, dark and spicy woman with shapes. I know girls like this too.
I know many people who is pretty, to be honest I don't know many people who is not.

My all friends are pretty, and I hope this is the way people think of their own friends. I don't rate people much, but I have some celebrities I find really beautiful.
But still, even if I should pick who I look, I would just pick me. I don't find myself the prettiest person who ever lived. But still, I look me. And it's more than I can ask.

 

To me, these are the most pretties celebrities I know. Penelope Cruz and Hayden Panettiere.

But, yeah. I find many of celebrities beautiful and ugly. So. Yeah. 

It's amazing feeling when you look at the mirror and think "Damn, I look pretty today.". I hope everyone would feel it once in a day at least. And think, u've had your all life to find mistakes in you. Person who looks you at street etc, don't see them like you do. And I bet, many people think you're the most prettiest person in the world, and I bet somebodys think that you're not special. It depends about person who is looking you.

Music and happiness

Why breathing hurts this much? Ouch.

Anssi Kela, I listened him like four years ago. It's weird. So much memories. Too much. When I listen to "Milla", I remember how I was awake whole night talking to people in MSN and drawing pictures, the morning sun was rising and I tried to sleep but I couldn't 'cause it wasn't dak enough.
"Mikan faijan BMV", sunset in fields, that's what comes to my mind. I remember how I just walked around, listening to music same time. Feel's like it's been forever from that.
"Puistossa" ha, I think of my class. I remember when one boy from our class was singin' this during some lessons. Dark fall nights, that's what I'm thinking atm.
"Rakkaus on murhaa" I feel a bit sad when I'm listening to this. But this song is something really beautyful.

Music, have u ever thought how much it keep memories? Everytime when I listen to Marilyn Manson, I remember when I was on his gig. When I listen to Sugababes, I remember when I was on 5th grade and I loved them. The Cure, when I was on 7th and thought my life was in correct situation. Mando Diao, I remember the most important things to me, but still - I listen to them and making new memories. Like always. I love music. It keeps so many things in my mind, so many friends, so many situations, so many happy moments. Music.

Today I didn't go to school, 'cause I'm sick. I'm freezing under hundreds of blankets. And I can't swallow, or yes I can, but it hurts.

Hmh, I should maybe clean up. I still have those cider bottles on my desks. Soon I go and do something to my thrashes.

But people, think of music, what it brings in your mind? Why? One good reason to love music.

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I know how to make my day

I don't feel good, my eyes are hurting, head is aching and my throat hurts when I breath.
But still, I feel awesome, I love my window - I see everything from it, cars, peoples, couples, who is smoking, who is going to shop, whos coming from shop. Sometimes, when I hate myself and everything, I just take one cigarette and go to watch world going by. It really calms me down.

Have u ever noticed so little things in the world? Everyone is too busy all the time, today was raining, streets are all shiny, dark and I can see the reflection of streetlamps. Rain in the city is beautiful thing to watch anyways. I hope someday I watch it somewhere else, far away from here.

 

Have u ever thought different languages? Or stereotypies? I've, I think pretty much them - 'cause I like them. Different languages, peoples, countries.

France sounds romantic, peaceful. It's hard to think french people curse or yelling each others. 

Germany sounds a bit flirty, or sometimes angry. To me.

British england sounds innocent and maybe a bit shy - it's cute.

Etc, have u ever thought?

I'm sick and tired, like Anastasia says. I should probably get some sleep, tomorrow I still try to go school and make myself proud.

 

Aa'ah, aa'ah

Aa'ah aaa'ah

It's excatly how I feel now,

I know there's no way to go down.

Aa'ah, aa'ah

I know how to make my day,

Everyone knows what I gave.

Aa'ah, aa'ah

Life gives me my entertain,

and I know how to play this game.

nimetön, SH_BTBT - minä